


Lines

by jvnsen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, M/M, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 06:57:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9111550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvnsen/pseuds/jvnsen
Summary: "How was he supposed to explain the lines etched into his thighs in varying stages of healing?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure whether I wanted to write this as an AU or set in the Shadowhunters universe, so I left it pretty vague. You can read it either way.

Alec was good at hiding it. It was easy, too.

He'd always worn long sleeves and jeans, either black or dark blue, as long as he could remember. It's just what he felt most comfortable in.

But then he started doing.. this, and it worked out. No one suspected that he suddenly had something to hide under the dark clothing.

The first few times, it was his wrists. They weren't difficult to cover, but he still got paranoid that maybe his sleeves would ride up and he didn't want to risk it.

So, then it was his thighs. His jeans hid them easily, but even when he just slept in his briefs they were still covered. His thighs, he decided, were a much safer place to hide his secret.

They were, at least, until he met Magnus.

Magnus who he'd been with for three months, and they still hadn't gone much further than making out.

He wanted to go further. God, did he want to.

But how was he supposed to explain the lines etched into his thighs in varying stages of healing?

Magnus is - amazing. He deserves better than Alec and his fucked up head.

Alec can't stand to see the hurt in Magnus' eyes when Alec pulls away from him yet again, but he can't tell him.

Magnus might blame himself, or try to have him committed, or break up with him, or worse - stay with him out of pity.

Alec has played out every scenario in his head, and none of them end well.

-

Eventually, Magnus confronts him.

Magnus is pressing open kisses against Alec's neck, grinding down on Alec's lap where he sits, his legs spread on either side of Alec's own.

One of Magnus' hands trails down Alec's chest, his stomach - to Alec's pants where Magnus starts to unbutton them.

Alec - God, Alec wants to badly to let him. But he can't.

So he pushes Magnus away. Again.

"Magnus, stop. Stop."

Magnus climbs off Alec, coming to stand a few feet away from him, arms crossed over his chest. He almost looks like he's going to yell before he sighs, and comes to sit at the other end of the couch.

"Alexander, I don't know what you want from me. If you don't want to do anything more than kissing, then please tell me, but you initiate things and then push me away and I don't know what to think. I just - I need to know what's going on in that head of yours. We need to be on the same page here, okay?"

Alec nods, staring at the floor, but he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know what excuse he can give Magnus without flat out lying.

"A million reasons as to why you don't want to be intimate with me are running through my head, and none of them are good. So I'd much rather you just tell me and we can talk about it so that my imagination can quit running wild."

Alec takes a deep breath. He has two options - not tell Magnus what's wrong with him and have probably Magnus hate him, or tell Magnus what's wrong with him and have Magnus probably hate him.

Alec stands up, and starts unbuttoning his jeans.

"Alec, that's not what I -"

Alec pulls the jeans off his legs, standing in front of Magnus in just his briefs. A scar or two pokes out from the bottom of them, but not enough for Magnus to really understand what Alec is showing him.

He rolls up his briefs, one leg at a time, uncovering the scars and healing cuts that litter the top of his thighs.

Alec just stares at them, avoiding Magnus' eyes, waiting for any type of negative reaction from him.

"Oh. Oh, Alec."

Alec flinches, barely but still noticeable. He hears Magnus get up, but stop a few inches from him, Magnus' hand hovering in the air as though he's unsure if Alec will allow him to touch him.

"Alexander, please look at me. I'm not angry at you. I promise."

Alec really, really doesn't want to look up. But he does. Magnus is looking right at him - not at his scars, but at _him_ \- and Alec doesn't see anger or pity. Magnus look sad but also... understanding.

"Can I touch you? Will you come sit with me?"

Alec nods, and Magnus leads him back to the couch. Alec sits with his knees pulled up to his chest, suddenly feeling very exposed.

"Thank you for trusting me with that, Alec. I just.. some of those look so new, while others are almost completely healed. I wish I had known you've been hurting."

Alec's mind suddenly starts racing. "You - you're not going to tell anyone, are you? You can't force me to be admitted, I won't let you, I -"

"I won't betray your trust, Alec. I'll support you if you want to get help, because I don't want to see you hurting, but that's your decision."

"I don't... I can't think about that right now. You're the only one who knows."

"How long?"

"I - a long time. A few years, I guess."

"I know things aren't great at home, but I didn't realize it was so bad. I'm so sorry I didn't realize.."

"It's not your fault. I did this to myself."

Magnus looks sad, but accepting, like he understands Alec doesn't want him to blame himself.

Magnus suddenly gets off the couch, falling to his knees beside Alec's legs.

"Is this okay?"

Alec isn't entirely sure what Magnus is trying to do, but Alec hesitantly nods anyways.

Magnus puts his lips to the scar that's the farthest down on his right leg. He moves up, kissing the inches of marred skin that is Alec's thigh.

It's not sexual. Alec knows this isn't leading to anything, and by how emotionally vulnerable he feels right now, he's glad. This is Magnus trying to show Alec he still loves him, scars and all, and it's... overwhelming.

Magnus looks up, searching Alec's face. Alec's not even sure what emotion is playing across his face right now, but apparently Magnus feels as though he can continue and Alec's okay with that.

Magnus moves to the other thigh, again starting from the bottom up.

When he's done, Alec staring at him like he's never seen Magnus before, he raises himself up on his knees and kisses Alec on the lips. Magnus pulls away slightly, but they're still close enough Alec can feel Magnus' breath on his face.

"I love you, Alec."

Alec feels... lighter. He knows they're going to have to talk about this more in depth, and that's scary. But right now he feels safe, and cared for, and that's enough.

**Author's Note:**

> jvnsen.tumblr.com


End file.
